


Paint it on the walls

by glackedandmullered



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 06:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glackedandmullered/pseuds/glackedandmullered
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a prompt on tumblr: One of the guys is self harming and tries really hard to hide it but the others find out and confront him. And we all knew it was going to be Michael.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint it on the walls

Michael pulled on his black rage quit shirt, wincing as the material brushed against the fresh cuts on his hip. At least the black material would hide any spots of blood that might appear through the day. Every morning had to be planned the same way.

Michael Jones had been self harming for too many years to count now. It had started innocently with a scratch or two when his anger threatened to overwhelm him and he feared what he would do if he didn’t control himself. That’s how it started anyway, with control. But over the years it developed into something more. A coping mechanism for just about anything. Depression, anxiety, a disappointing grade, anything would send him home to his stash of blades hidden under his mattress.

Now at 26 years old he would have thought he would be way over it by now. It’s a kiddy thing surely, a teenage angst thing. Not for full grown adults with rent and taxes and full time jobs. Except it was, the feeling never went away, the blade didn’t stop helping and if Michael had never thought he would be addicted to anything he sure had been wrong.

Over the years he had developed methods of hiding it. He never cut anywhere people saw, his arms were off limits as were his legs, a lifetime of gym and sports and living in a hot country where t-shirts were a must and shorts were preferred taught him that.

It was harder now that he was dating. His last boyfriend had up and left the second he saw a glimpse of Michaels issues, not bothering to even stick around to try and Michael didn’t want that to happen again. He couldn’t help that he fell in love with the five guys he worked with everyday. He couldn’t help where the pull came from but it made everything a lot harder.

It had only been a matter of months and they had only gotten as far as shirtless making out with him as he always claimed to be ‘not quite ready’ to take it the whole way with them. They would still spend many nights tangled up with each other while Michael sat in the corner, watching them like a weird stalker. It made him feel left out and cold in his heart but he knew it was better than the alternative.

It was a Tuesday when everything went to hell.

He arrived an hour late having left before the guys to fetch breakfast for everyone at the office and getting caught in the Austin rush hour traffic. Burnie berated him as he reminded him about something he had forgotten to complete and his apologies were accepted with a frustrated sigh. Then there was his xbox crashing 6 times after he kicked it accidentally when trying to joke around with Ray. Kerry had begrudgingly allowed him the use of his but not before repeating to him 20 times the importance of not being a dumb fuck with it.

Finally, the last straw came during a minecraft recording. Michael accidentally slaughtered Geoff seconds before he completed something they had been working at for nearly 2 hours.

“MICHAEL! WHAT THE FUCK, I WAS NEARLY THERE, YOU FUCKING DICK!” Geoff roared, physically turning in his chair to yell and slammed his hands on the desk muttering _what a fucking stupid move you dumb fuck_ the guys around all laughed, knowing that Geoffs anger was misplaced and played up for the sake of the recording. Knowing that he wasn’t really being serious with his words, just acting like he always did when Gavin did something dumb. But Michael wasn’t convinced, he stared at his character on the screen, unmoving as he mentally berated himself for fucking up. That was a Gavin thing to do and not even _Gavin_ would be that careless when they had been working for so long.

It was Ray saying _Michael you can move now, Geoff respawned you can’t kill him again_ almost 3 minutes of footage later with a laugh that jolted Michael out of his thoughts and he shook away the dark cloud fogging his vision and he tried to carry on but his audio track lacked the movement there normally was and he barely contributed, unnoticed by everyone else. Geoff still seething in his corner about being nearly fucking done and now basically having to start again.

As soon as the recording was over and Geoff gave them all a 10 minute break before they needed to get back into the next one Michael shot out the door. He was clutching the little box in his pocket like a lifeline and practically threw it on the side as he got to the bathroom and locked the door. He fumbled pathetically with the box and dropped it to the sink, grasping his shaking hands together and taking a deep breath he glanced up at the mirror. He was sweating, his cheeks were flushed from his effort to keep breathing and his eyes were wild. As he looked back he saw that the box had broken open when it fell, three blades of varying age lay shining against the porcelain surface and he felt a wave of calm wash over him. With steadier hands that before he lifted the hem of his shirt and tucked it under his arm then reached down to tug the top of his pants down a couple of inches before his raw, scabbed over cuts from the night before were on show. He pressed the newest of the three blades to his hip, just above the other cuts and, with another deep breath, dragged it along the skin. His breaths hitched as he felt the skin part like paper under the metal and a smile tugged at his lips. _You useless fuck_ He thought as he dragged it again, _How are they even still with you?_ Blood oozed sluggishly from the cuts, seeping into the top of his pants, staining the denim a crimson red. He leaned over so his head was on the porcelain as he closed his eyes allowing the feel of blood on his skin and dull throb lull him into calm. Drips of blood hit the floor, scattering tiny droplets across the grey tile.

“Michael, you in there? Everyone’s waiting to start this GTA thing.” Rays voice filtered through the space around the door; Michael raised his head and lifted the blade away from his skin, grabbing a wad of toilet paper and pressing it against the new wounds, hands shaking again as the adrenaline wore off and the pain slammed into him. The wounds weren’t exactly deep but they were open and stinging.

“I’ll be out in a minute Ray, bad lunch I think.” He waited for an affirmative reply before shoving more paper under the faucet, turning on the water and using it to mop up the stray blood from the blade, counter and floor. Michael placed his hands on the edge of the counter, letting his shirt fall back over his hip and looking back at the mirror; seeing less mania in his eyes and a soothed expression. The sting drew his mind away from the thoughts trying to break through his barriers.

He re-entered the AH office with his box tucked back into his pocket and his shirt pulled over the blood stained spot on his jeans. Ryan muttered _fucking finally_ as he sat in his seat and loaded up GTA 5, Michael shot him what he hoped was a cool apologetic look and Ryan just raised an eyebrow and shoot his head with a smile. It wasn’t often that his boys stayed mad at him for much longer than a few minutes and for that Michael was always grateful.

Michael cursed as his vehicle flew off the cliff and he rocked back in his seat violently, momentarily forgetting about the cuts he had recently made, the dried blood tugged away from the wounds with the movement making Michael wince and swear under his breath. Gavin shot him a questioning look and he laughed, forcing a smile on his face.

“Fucking flew right off there! Did you see that?” Gavin shook his head wordlessly and Michael could tell he wasn’t playing along. “Gonna crash there if you don’t look at your screen Gavvers.” He was proven right when, seconds later, Gavins vehicle flew past Rays guy and straight into the path of a train. There was a roar of laughter that echoed through the room before Gavin cut it short with a phrase Michael wanted to erase from history.

“Michael you’re bleeding.”

The audio track went silent and 3 chair swivelled around to face the boy in the middle. Michael just stared straight ahead, his character dead on the screen and he gulped.

“Michael?” Ryan muttered with a frown from his couch, already pushing his mic away to sit up further.

“On your hip, right there, it’s coming through your shirt.” Michael cursed as he turned his head to face Gavin and followed his line of sight down. Sure enough there was fresh blood seeping through the thin material of his shirt and Michael cursed himself again for not bringing any gauze with him so he could have dressed it properly.

“I- I don’t know, must have banged it somehow.” He tried to pass it off cooly, though there was an unsteady nature to his voice that he couldn’t quite shake.

“Let me see.” Ryan, ever the caregiver when one of his boys got hurt, got up from his chair, reaching out for Michael but he shot out of his seat too quickly for him.

“NO! I mean no it’s fine, I’ll go check it out, carry on with the let’s play I’ll be back.” He tried to edge around Gavin and get past Ryan but a hand caught his arm and spun him around so his back was against Gavins desk.

“Michael, what’s wrong?” Ryan was eye level with him, a blatant worry clouding his expression.

“Nothing, Ry, nothing’s wrong, just…” He didn’t know what to say, Michael was panicking. He had worked so hard, so hard not to let them know, not to burden them with his crazy.

He didn’t notice his breathing speeding up to near hyperventilation until he was sitting on Ryans couch with his head pushed between his knees and 5 different voices telling him to calm down and breathe.

Geoff reached for the hem of his shirt and he could no longer bring himself to fight, this was happening and he couldn’t do anything to stop it now.

“Shit Michael.” Geoff whispered and there were gasps from the others as his skin came into view. He didn’t need to look down to know what they were seeing. He had seen it so many time he could map his hips with his eyes closed. Year old scars, day old scabbed over cuts and the most recent weeping wounds crisscrossing the skin, painting the skin white, raised pink and red like a morose work of art.

A hand touched one of the newest gently and Michael drew in a shaky breath, tears gathering on his eyelids and he sniffed, trying desperately to stay strong.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Jack silently left to fetch the buildings first aid kit while Gavin tightened his arms around Michael. The dam broke and he couldn’t stop the sobbing that started and wouldn’t seem to stop. He clung to Gavin, hands in fists which were then gripped by Ray who rubbed his thumb over the skin there and rested his head of Gavins back. Geoff had a hand on Michaels shoulder and Ryan was just stood at the side trying to take in this whole situation.

When Jack got back and the sobbing had dissolved into the occasional hitch in breath he set about cleaning and dressing the wounds. Each swipe of antiseptic made everyone wince at the cries Michael let out and they all settled around the couch, Gavin and Ray on the floor cross legged, as Jack taped a piece of gauze to Michaels hip and pulled his shirt back down.

“You gonna tell us why you did this?” Geoff sounded angry but, Michaels rational side fought; it seemed aimed more at them for not noticing than Michael himself.

“I love you.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“yes, it does.” He sighed exasperated, they weren’t going to understand. No one ever would, that’s why he didn’t say anything. Because why would anyone be able to understand the shit storm in his brain that even he himself couldn’t begin to understand.

“I love you guys, all of you and I didn’t want to ruin that by letting you find out. I didn’t want you to know that I’m crazy.”

“You aren’t crazy, Michael.” Ray whispered.

“Oh yeah? I think anyone would beg to differ with you there Ray. I’m a 26 year old man who cuts himself. Fuck that sounds pathetic.” He leaned his head down into his palms and let out a frustrated muffled scream.

Geoff lifted his head with a hand under his chin and cupped his face in his hands as he turned them face to face.

“You. aren’t. crazy. You’re just hurting and scared and we’ll help you, love. We aren’t going anywhere. We promise.” He wiped a tear away with his thumb and they all moved closer to put a hand down or, in Gavin and Rays case a head on each knee, to show their support of the notion.

“You won’t be alone in this Michael.”

They packed up the equipment while Michael stayed on the couch, closed down their computers and took the rest of the day off, cuddled on the couch at home with Michael at the centre, a cheesy movie on the screen.


End file.
